"You're never even home anymore. You got a horse and now you've forgotten about me. This relationship is starting to feel like we are just roommates."At first I rebelled. Hard.
"Why should I have to choose between two things that I really love? Why can't you understand that I have waited my whole life for this?! You'll just never understand."
But soon that anger turned to sadness and remorse...This week my heart was breaking. At home, at work and at the barn.
Just as I thought I was getting somewhere with my horse (we had such an amazing time at the clinic and he was SO GOOD and seemingly, loving me, finally) I actually realized the failures on my part in the early days. A house built on sand won't stand up to the storm...
I spent three or four sessions chasing my horse around the field, tears of frustration pouring down my face, sunburns, blisters- and hiding out of sight from people coming to fetch or return their horses, for fear they'd see me in such a state, and god forbid ask me what was wrong or offer their magic method with which to tame and catch my seemingly wild, defiant 5 year old gelding ("It's easy, just do A, B and then C." Which in retrospect, are all great ideas- but unfortunately, remind me of the inadequacy and shortfalls in my competencies as a horse trainer.)
"Why, if you loved me two days ago, do you run from me now when all I want to do is see you strong, healthy and happy... "
(when I say love- I guess thats just a human emotion we impart to horses. I read a study on equine cognition last summer, and horses can't really love like we do. They can remember complex events or relationships for ten years or more- and recognize familiar horse and people friends, but all of this is just a developed manner of survival- or so this book said. As a human with complex social problems and behaviours, there will always be a part of me that will wonder if horses can LOVE which I can only hope to answer in the many years of journey ahead of me...)
I have spent some time away, some time at home and realized just how much my life is out of balance.
Passion unchecked can be detrimental.
My roommates are cleaning up after me and my cat, my laundry has sat unwashed, events in friends lives that have been relayed to me, events that have been transpiring over the last few weeks feel like months ago. I cant even remember the last time I cooked, or contributed to my household.
My timeline is so out of whack, I can't tell you what I did two weeks ago any more than I can tell you things that happened in my life 4 months ago. I want to be a caring friend, an empathetic confidant and a worthwhile partner and lover- and I have been neglecting those parts of my life that I value so much.
I read in (yet another) book a while ago that at the end of the summer it's better to have a good riding horse than one with just a shiny tail.
What I should have (wished I had) realized that could be extended to mean this: at the end of the summer it's better to have a balanced life of work, play, horse, and relationships than a kind of broke horse who doesn't really respect me, and a lover who thinks I put him second to a horse, after just three months.
Rome wasn't built in a day- I may have really rushed this whole thing.
This week, I felt the same anxiety stemming from the feeling that my life was out of my control that I used to get from binge drinking, skirting responsibilities and avoiding my conscience of my late teens and early twenties. Anxiety that showed on my face and in the things I said, but unable to really place it or look at the big picture.
My attitude at work changed, I'm not the greatest at hiding true feelings anymore. When my life was out of control I was great at lying to everyone I loved, but thats also why my life was out of control in the first place... BT if you are still reading these posts, I'm sorry for everything that happened at work this week. You are a very sensitive person, very in-tune to emotions. We are still trying to coexist for so many hours each day, and this time, as with so many other times, the fault for the breakdown in that effort lies with me.
I spent a few days at home and some days with my boyfriend- its weird to call him that because he is so much more. A boyfriend is someone you see when you feel like it. A partner is more like what he is... He's always there- and partnerships are much more work than casual relationships. We always have fun together. After he laid it all out I was so anxious to fix it, to spend time with him and he was still upset- hesitant. He didn't really want to be with me which made the need that much greater...
...kind of like my horse, who refuses to be caught. They are both telling me there needs to be a change in my attitude and goals, if our relationships are going to work. Forceful needs to move over for willing, kindness, balance. it's time for me to start putting other people (or horses!) first.
I want to thank him for always keeping me in check, he is truly my rock- and when I finally decided to open up and listen to what he was saying- really listen and DO the things I promised to- I realized how right he actually was. And that is also still kind of hard to admit.
My time away from my horse has encouraged me to research my problems- the tools I need are right in front of me and I overlooked them at first. I was not willing to take advice, to listen to the universe around me. Real horse trainers can see everything. Every potential spook, every slight nuance, every hint of body language.
It has also reinstated the importance of Balance.
Horse feet need balance. Riders need balance. Sprouting plants need a balance of sunlight and water to grow. Relationships need balance of give and take. Ingredients in cooking need balance, LIFE NEEDS BALANCE.
Don't ever forget the importance of balance, in every sense of your life. This week my horse and my partner did the training, and I was the student.